5/11

Grandma,
It's been fourteen days and sixteen minutes since you left. I'm sorry I haven't written in a few days--it's not because I forgot. I spend a lot of time at your house. It is getting pretty bare though so I don't like it as much. You should have seen the hummingbird at your feeder today! Its head was as red as ever! It was so gorgeous.
Aunt Amy says that when she feels sad, she puts on more jewelry. I am starting to adopt that mantra as well. It's starting to hit me that I won't see you for quite a while and I am having a hard time even thinking about it. There are so many things that I wish I could tell you and I always forget them by time I get on here to write. I have been having a lot of bad dreams lately--work stress related dreams, mostly. I had one where I went to talk to Pastor Mike and he ignored me because he said I was a bad Lutheran and I hadn't been to church in awhile. It was such a terrible dream that I am crying now just thinking about it.
I'm trying to focus in happy things, but it is getting progressively harder. I hate being home. I pay a lot of money for this place and I have nowhere to put my things. They still haven't done a single thing to my place and it is really starting to depress me, especially now that I am home during daylight hours. I am trying to push all these thoughts out of my mind because I just want to feel blank. I don't want to think about anything, I don't want to feel anything. I am having a hard time carrying on conversations. I am internalizing more and more until I have a sudden outburst about whatever I am thinking to whoever I am talking to.
I don't mean to be so melancholic. I just am starting to finally break down after holding it together for so long and I don't like it. I am excited to go to Las Vegas with the cousins and have been looking at the fancy hotel rooms. I am worried about school but I had a nice talk with my professor and so hopefully things will turn out okay The worst thing I could do is let you down.
I am pretty sleepy so I should go to bed. I hope you are doing well and enjoying this refreshing weather!
I miss you a lot and I love you even more.
Kaarin