5/28

Grandma,
It has been 31 days, twenty two hours and seven minutes since you left. I am at work, so I must just write briefly. I cannot fathom the fact that you have been gone for over a month now. I'd prefer not to think about it.
I finally have some drywall up at my house, so that's an improvement. I also planted my garden, which I have a picture of:

What you can't see is the clematis (did I spell that right? Wait--why am I asking you? Heehee) behind where I was standing when I took the picture. I took the little blue butterfly guy that was in the pot by the garage. In an act of defiance, I just snatched it up. I should ask and make sure it doesn't belong to someone. Do you remember if you bought it or if one of the girls got it for you?
I know you got to see all my plants when I bought them, because I could hear you saying, "No, Kaarin, look at that one. Those leaves are bad, and there aren't any buds!" I spent a lot of money on the plants, but they remind me of you so it's worth it. :) I just wish I could afford to shop at Molbaks!!
Anyway, I should make sure things are wrapped up here at work! I love you and I miss you more than ever--please never, ever forget that.
Kaarin

5/24

Grandma,
It has been 26 days, 23 hours and seven minutes since you left. I know I haven't written you in awhile, and I must apologize. I have been in a bad way recently, and I didn't want you to have to see that. I, again, can't tell you how much I miss you. At this point, I have spent what seems like every minute of every day thinking about you.
I don't want to go on about how much of a wreck I have been--I want to tell you some good news! I learned that they have approved all the construction on my house so all I should have to do is set up an appointment for them to come! Finally! I am excited to get everything in order. I will have to show you some pictures when I finally get everything in order!
I went to the REI sale downtown last weekend and I got a parking spot right in front!! I went with Dustin and I told him your theory (well, your truth, actually) about how in you get a parking spot up front, that means they want you to spend your money there! I got a lot of really great deals!
I also talked to Jen, Lola's mom. She had been back in Michigan with her parents... She was going to move out there but I guess she could not handle it! I didn't get a chance to talk to her very much but it was nice to hear from her, albeit briefly. She did say Lola was doing well. I didn't get a chance to tell her that you had left, but I will. I will hopefully see her soon and I will give Lola a really big hug for you. How is Nooski?? I bet you are happy to see her :)
Okay, I promise I will try to write more, even if I am sad. I love you so much.
Kaarin

5/11

Grandma,
It's been fourteen days and sixteen minutes since you left. I'm sorry I haven't written in a few days--it's not because I forgot. I spend a lot of time at your house. It is getting pretty bare though so I don't like it as much. You should have seen the hummingbird at your feeder today! Its head was as red as ever! It was so gorgeous.
Aunt Amy says that when she feels sad, she puts on more jewelry. I am starting to adopt that mantra as well. It's starting to hit me that I won't see you for quite a while and I am having a hard time even thinking about it. There are so many things that I wish I could tell you and I always forget them by time I get on here to write. I have been having a lot of bad dreams lately--work stress related dreams, mostly. I had one where I went to talk to Pastor Mike and he ignored me because he said I was a bad Lutheran and I hadn't been to church in awhile. It was such a terrible dream that I am crying now just thinking about it.
I'm trying to focus in happy things, but it is getting progressively harder. I hate being home. I pay a lot of money for this place and I have nowhere to put my things. They still haven't done a single thing to my place and it is really starting to depress me, especially now that I am home during daylight hours. I am trying to push all these thoughts out of my mind because I just want to feel blank. I don't want to think about anything, I don't want to feel anything. I am having a hard time carrying on conversations. I am internalizing more and more until I have a sudden outburst about whatever I am thinking to whoever I am talking to.
I don't mean to be so melancholic. I just am starting to finally break down after holding it together for so long and I don't like it. I am excited to go to Las Vegas with the cousins and have been looking at the fancy hotel rooms. I am worried about school but I had a nice talk with my professor and so hopefully things will turn out okay The worst thing I could do is let you down.
I am pretty sleepy so I should go to bed. I hope you are doing well and enjoying this refreshing weather!
I miss you a lot and I love you even more.
Kaarin

5/7

Grandma,
It's been ten days, nine hours and nineteen minutes since you left. I still miss you, and even more today because I am wearing Miracle and it smells like you. I had to throw that Volcano perfume away--I can't even say I apologize because that stuff was really awful. I am sorry to have to tell you, but it's true.
I am just waiting for class to start, and I walked to school today. I saw some Canada Goose ducklings (goslings?) on my walk. They were so fuzzy looking. The weather is so nice today, too. Last night I saw the "super moon" that everyone had been talking about. It was so enormous! It kind of reminded me of the harvest moon.
Okay class is going to start, so I will write you again later. Tonight I work in the microbiology lab!
I love you!
Kaarin

5/6

Grandma,
It's been nine days, ten hours and thirteen minutes since you left. I know I just wrote you a few hours ago but now I'm not as tired and I thought I would write a little more. I'm really happy that I'm so close to all my aunts and cousins. Tracy was here--you know, the Yorkie and Havanese lady--and she asked Julian and I if we were close. Of course we said yes. Us cousins are like sisters and brothers. We have been talking about you a lot, and we all have such strong relationships with you, so it really helps having everyone around now that you're not here. Mother's Day is next weekend, and I'm going up to Anacortes to see Mom. I wish I could stay here with you, but I think I need to go spend a day or two with Mom. Their house up there isn't too bad. Anacortes is a quiet town, which is nice. Now that the weather is nicer, there are so many people walking back and forth from the park. The like to look in at Summer and Cherish (and sometimes Alec). I'll always love Kirkland, but it's not quite the same anymore.
There really hasn't been any work done on my apartment. A few people have come in to look at it, but nothing has happened. It's pretty frustrating. Look at me, rambling on. My thoughts are sporadic and they really have no meaning; I guess I just can't keep my head together. The house is still quite calming, so on the weekends I have been staying here. Julian just was up, but she had to go back home. Next weekend Auntie Jan and Uncle David are coming up, so that should be nice. Aunt Dea is sick but we are letting her rest a lot so hopefully that helps. I'm going over to Dad's tonight, and I haven't seen him since you last saw him, so it's about time! I don't really know what Jon-Erik is doing, so let's not talk about that.
The magnolia tree is all done blooming, but the rhododendrons look so great! I'm looking forward to when it warms up a little bit! Maybe I will go sit outside now. Be sure to take a look at all the pretty plants in the yard, okay?
I love you!
Kaarin

5/6

Grandma,
It has been eight days, 23 hours and nineteen minutes since you left. I miss you. I don't really even know where to begin. There are no words for how much I miss you and I have yet to find a way to accurately describe how I have been feeling. I hope you are okay. Actually, I hope you are better than okay. I hope you are sitting outside with Nooski, Chula and Grandpa Don, listening to the birds. I'm here in the guest bedroom and I'm about to go to sleep. Dori escaped tonight, that was pretty amusing. She's okay, of course. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you are okay and I wanted to let you know that I haven't stopped thinking about you. More later.
I love you!
Kaarin
P.S. we have been watching this show called Fashion Police. It is pretty good, I think you would enjoy it.